The following article is a work of satire; all quotes and descriptions within are libel and slander.
In a shocking turn of events this week, the sixty year struggle to achieve peace between Israel and Palestine, widely considered the most complicated geopolitical issue of the modern age, was resolved by the unprecedented collection of 500 Princeton students’ names.
J Street U Princeton, which organized the bold petition, released the following statement upon receiving news of the successful enactment of a 2 state solution:
“We here at J Street are thrilled, but not surprised, that our petition had such resounding success. I don’t think past negotiators had accounted for the full political weight that comes with the signatures of America’s most privileged youth.”
Many social commentators are praising the innovative campaign strategy undertaken by J Street in their pursuit of the ambitious goal. Said Thomas Friedman, “I’ve been studying this issue for nearly two decades now, and I’ve never, never, seen a group think to use both Arabic and Hebrew hashtags in their posters. I think this new understanding of language is what ultimately distinguished these Ivy Leaguers.”
Overnight, the landscape of the Middle East has changed. In perfect compliance with J Street’s demands, borders have been reinstated, settlements have been dismantled, the right of return has been agreed upon, and Muslims and Jews have recognized and respected the other’s religious claims to such historic sites as the Tomb of the Patriarchs, al-Aqsa Mosque, the Wailing Wall, and the holy city of Jerusalem itself.
The militant Palestinian organization Hamas, widely known for its violent participation in the intifadas and their use of cross-border missile strikes, issued the following press release this morning:
“Whereas in the past it has been the fervent belief of the members of Hamas that the Zionist Jews are the sole enemy of Palestine and that struggling against Israel is an Islamic obligation, the leadership is forced to recognize that our historic imperative is ultimately secondary to the newfound interest in peace from American college students.”
President Obama personally called the president of J Street U Princeton to express his thanks for so thoughtfully fixing the international quagmire, saying, “You know, I really thought we had exhausted all of our options with the Rogers Plan, the Camp David Accords, the Madrid Conference, Oslo I, Oslo II, the Wye River Memorandum, the Declaration of Principles and the Taba Summit, but it really never occurred to me or Secretary Kerry that the key was 20 year old Politics majors who took a class on International Relations.”
Added Obama, “Do you think you can draft a petition dealing with Kashmir, Chechnya, Tibet or Congress when you have a chance?”
President Eisgruber, for his part, never doubted the ability of his students.
“It was only a matter of time before Princeton’s finest resolved this issue in the service of all nations. If the petition had failed, we were fully prepared to form a Woodrow Wilson School Task Force.”
Daniel Teehan is a sophomore from Brooklyn, NY with academic interests ranging from Cognitive Science, Religion, and Philosophy, to Arabic, History, and Near Eastern Studies, to Comparative Literature, Creative Writing, and Journalism; he is extremely undeclared. In his free time, he enjoys writing about reading, reading about rights, watching fantasy TV, and fantasizing about social justice.