SATIRE: Fact-Checking American Rebel Democratization Claims

SATIRE: This piece is heavily adapted from a document published by the Office of the Dean of the Graduate School at Princeton University in 2022 in reference to ongoing unionization efforts by Princeton Graduate Students United (PGSU). Modern language is used for ease of reading.

The pros and cons of democracy can be confusing, particularly for those who have no prior experience with mob rule. Listed below are some claims that have been made by rebels seeking to democratize the American colonies, along with straightforward facts about those claims.

This document was prepared by the Cabinet of His Majesty George III, King of Great Britain and Ireland, with input by the British nobility and the Parliament of Great Britain.

Claim	The Facts
Democracy will not cost you a halfpence.	Representative democracy costs money. Like democracies in the past, they collect national, state, and local taxes from citizens and non-citizen residents. Tax collection usually happens as a tariff on imports and whisky, potentially increasing the cost of goods. Citizens and non-citizens alike are required to pay these fees. This money is used to compensate the mob’s representatives and the government’s paid officials, as well as to pay the bills and overhead. Costs can be greater with the inefficiencies of the separation of powers and legislative debate. No democracy can guarantee that policies enacted by elected representatives will provide economic and social benefits that exceed total taxes. According to many rebels, local governments have already imposed taxes; if they established a democratic government throughout the American colonies, the rebels could impose additional taxes at the national level.

Claim

The Facts

Democracy will not cost you a halfpence.

Representative democracy costs money. Like democracies in the past, they collect national, state, and local taxes from citizens and non-citizen residents. Tax collection usually happens as a tariff on imports and whisky, potentially increasing the cost of goods. Citizens and non-citizens alike are required to pay these fees. This money is used to compensate the mob’s representatives and the government’s paid officials, as well as to pay the bills and overhead. Costs can be greater with the inefficiencies of the separation of powers and legislative debate. No democracy can guarantee that policies enacted by elected representatives will provide economic and social benefits that exceed total taxes.

According to many rebels, local governments have already imposed taxes; if they established a democratic government throughout the American colonies, the rebels could impose additional taxes at the national level.

Claim	The Facts
The people will have full control of the structures and laws of the democracy and will make every decision, from the most mundane to the most important.	Democratic governments are distinct legal entities, with their own formal constitutions and laws. While it is true that the mob will exercise primary control over matters affecting their government, their decisions must be consistent with the laws and requirements of the overarching constitution. Individuals asserting grievances may not have control over their own grievances. The model that the rebels have proposed gives citizen-elected representatives and appointed judges—not individual citizens—the final authority to make decisions in individual or group grievances alleging that the law is unjust or has been violated.

Claim

The Facts

The people will have full control of the structures and laws of the democracy and will make every decision, from the most mundane to the most important.

Democratic governments are distinct legal entities, with their own formal constitutions and laws. While it is true that the mob will exercise primary control over matters affecting their government, their decisions must be consistent with the laws and requirements of the overarching constitution.

Individuals asserting grievances may not have control over their own grievances. The model that the rebels have proposed gives citizen-elected representatives and appointed judges—not individual citizens—the final authority to make decisions in individual or group grievances alleging that the law is unjust or has been violated.

Claim	The Facts
Even if you are completely content with how things are under the British Crown, you should still want a democracy, because it will only make things better.	There is no guarantee that citizen involvement with government will make things better, for any individual or for any group of individuals. British law stipulates that in colonial affairs, the British Crown is required to deliberate with the American colonists in good faith. But the British Crown is not compelled to reach an agreement with or make concessions to the American colonists in the event that they declare independence from Great Britain. If the American colonies declare independence and become a democracy, the ultimate outcome on things like civil liberties, economic independence, and public works could improve, get worse, or stay the same. Constitutions and laws remain in force for many years, meaning that once a constitution or a law is approved, there may be limited opportunities for changes or improvements to things covered in such documents until they are revoked or expire.

Claim

The Facts

Even if you are completely content with how things are under the British Crown, you should still want a democracy, because it will only make things better.

There is no guarantee that citizen involvement with government will make things better, for any individual or for any group of individuals.

British law stipulates that in colonial affairs, the British Crown is required to deliberate with the American colonists in good faith. But the British Crown is not compelled to reach an agreement with or make concessions to the American colonists in the event that they declare independence from Great Britain. If the American colonies declare independence and become a democracy, the ultimate outcome on things like civil liberties, economic independence, and public works could improve, get worse, or stay the same.

Constitutions and laws remain in force for many years, meaning that once a constitution or a law is approved, there may be limited opportunities for changes or improvements to things covered in such documents until they are revoked or expire.

Claim	The Facts
Protests won’t happen, and even if they do you will not be impacted if you choose not to participate in the protest.	The British Crown recognizes that nobody asserts this, but what are you going to do, vote him out? There have been protests in the past by citizens in many different countries. No democracy can guarantee that its citizens will not be impacted if they choose not to participate in a protest. For example, a government cannot control how protestors choose to interact with and treat non-protestors. Citizens in democracies are allowed to protest even if their protest generates significant costs or disruption to society.

Claim

The Facts

Protests won’t happen, and even if they do you will not be impacted if you choose not to participate in the protest.

The British Crown recognizes that nobody asserts this, but what are you going to do, vote him out?

There have been protests in the past by citizens in many different countries.

No democracy can guarantee that its citizens will not be impacted if they choose not to participate in a protest. For example, a government cannot control how protestors choose to interact with and treat non-protestors.

Citizens in democracies are allowed to protest even if their protest generates significant costs or disruption to society.

Claim	The Facts
Representative democracies would never enact laws that citizens don’t want, including regulations on businesses.	No democracy can guarantee that it will never impose legislation that some citizens don’t want. Different citizens in a democracy are likely to have different priorities. Some citizens may want limits on child labor; others may not. Once there is a law, it applies to everyone in the democracy. Democracy’s focus is on the interests of the mob. Individual arrangements outside the bounds of the law are generally not permissible. If children wish to work beyond the restrictions specified in the law, the government would not be able to permit such activity because it would violate the law.

Claim

The Facts

Representative democracies would never enact laws that citizens don’t want, including regulations on businesses.

No democracy can guarantee that it will never impose legislation that some citizens don’t want. Different citizens in a democracy are likely to have different priorities. Some citizens may want limits on child labor; others may not. Once there is a law, it applies to everyone in the democracy.

Democracy’s focus is on the interests of the mob. Individual arrangements outside the bounds of the law are generally not permissible. If children wish to work beyond the restrictions specified in the law, the government would not be able to permit such activity because it would violate the law.

Claim	The Facts
The democracy won’t press a one-size-fits-all policy across all groups. It will take into account differences in need across regional and local communities, and it will spell out the law in any way the people want.	The goal of democratic governance is to enact laws that govern the whole polity. Not all citizens in a democracy will have the same priorities, but there is a single set of laws for the whole nation. As it stands now, American colonies and townships with representative governments do not get to spell out the law in any way they want, and they do not get to make unilateral decisions about what is included in the law. Do not ask why this is the case.

Claim

The Facts

The democracy won’t press a one-size-fits-all policy across all groups. It will take into account differences in need across regional and local communities, and it will spell out the law in any way the people want.

The goal of democratic governance is to enact laws that govern the whole polity. Not all citizens in a democracy will have the same priorities, but there is a single set of laws for the whole nation.

As it stands now, American colonies and townships with representative governments do not get to spell out the law in any way they want, and they do not get to make unilateral decisions about what is included in the law. Do not ask why this is the case.

Claim	The Facts
Naturalized immigrants should want a democracy. A democracy can offer legal protections to immigrants currently at risk of having to leave America by royal decree.	Like the others, we made this one up. But imagine we didn’t, and think about it—no democracy has the ability to prevent God from attempting to expel impure peoples from its sovereign territory.

Claim	The Facts
No one is ever forced to join a democracy, so if you don’t like democracy, just go somewhere else—but let those of us who want one have one.	Even if a citizen does not recognize the laws of the democracy, the citizen’s conduct would still be dictated by the laws of the collective government that elected representatives enact. Those who reject democratic rule would still be charged taxes, which could exceed the existing tax burden. Citizens who refuse to pay taxes may have penalties and restrictions imposed on them.

Claim	The Facts
The British Crown gives the aristocracy and the Royal Family better services than the people get. A democratic form of government will provide us with better services, increased security, and enhanced prosperity.	No democracy can guarantee that the outcomes of legislative deliberation will include better services, increased security, and enhanced prosperity. The current colonial regime provides military protection at little cost to all its subjects in the American colonies and permits generally free movement across the region. British aristocrats and the Royal Family earn the services they are given with their hard labor and service to Great Britain, and they do not have the luxury of exploring the colonies from London.

Claim

The Facts

The British Crown gives the aristocracy and the Royal Family better services than the people get. A democratic form of government will provide us with better services, increased security, and enhanced prosperity.

No democracy can guarantee that the outcomes of legislative deliberation will include better services, increased security, and enhanced prosperity.

The current colonial regime provides military protection at little cost to all its subjects in the American colonies and permits generally free movement across the region.

British aristocrats and the Royal Family earn the services they are given with their hard labor and service to Great Britain, and they do not have the luxury of exploring the colonies from London.

Claim	The Facts
A democratic government would get us additional civil liberties and economic independence.	The British Crown does not consider civil liberties and economic independence valuable enough for democratic control.

Claim	The Facts
Representative democracy will give us a voice in how the government allocates resources, something we don’t have now. The British government is secretive about its budget and could easily afford to lift its undemocratic taxes on the colonies.	Subjects of the British Crown already have a voice via their “virtual representation” in Parliament. The Parliament of Great Britain always welcomes Americans to voice their concerns, before the British Crown completely ignores and suppresses them.

SATIRE: Fact-Checking American Rebel Democratization Claims

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